Making Your Dreams Come True

Have you ever wished for something and worked hard to get it, only to find out in the end that it didn’t make you as happy as you thought it would?  It definitely happened a few times in my life: working my way up in a career that wasn’t fulfilling me, moving to a new neighborhood that didn’t really suit me, making time to take a break and do nothing but then ending up feeling bored… Achieving your dreams is a great thing, but how can we make sure we go for the “right” dreams – the ones that will actually make us feel happier when we reach them?  

I just read an excellent article by Martha Beck: “How ThreeSimple (But Powerful) Words Can Put You On The Path Of Happiness.” She talks about how she helped two women achieve their goals - one hoped to start a business and the other wanted a baby - only to have them end up feeling more distressed afterwards than they were before.  The problem was that they hadn’t probed deeper into what they really wanted to experience and how they wanted to feel (in their cases, contentment and being loved.) Instead, they were focused on the situation they wanted to achieve (building a business and having a child.) Unfortunately, reaching their dreams brought them more stress and pressure, rather than contentment and love.

Here is the simple 4-step process Martha outlines in her article that helps you focus on the experience you want to create:

1. Think about some dreams or goals that have been on your mind (For example: start a new career, lose weight, become a movie star…) and pick your most ambitious one.
2. Imagine what your life would be like if you realized your goal. Really put yourself into it: What does it look like? Who is around you? What do you hear and smell? What are you doing?
3. Begin to list adjectives that describe how you feel in your imagined scenario (For example: Energetic, free, secure, understood, relaxed...) Pick the 3 adjectives that describe your feelings the best.
4. Focus on anything that can be described with your adjectives. Rather than waiting to achieve the big goal you had outlined, you can start now by focusing on things in your current life that can make you feel that way. This will give you an instant lift and help make you happier right now.

As you go through these steps, you might realize that the big goal you had is only one way to get the experience you really desire, and you may find new ways to feel the way you want. Maybe you’ll realize that the goal isn’t as important as you thought. Or you may still feel that it is important to pursue it, even if there are drawbacks. Either way, now that you know what it is that you really want to experience, you can focus your efforts on what matters the most to you. And the beauty is that you can begin RIGHT NOW!

So here are the 3 adjectives I came up with (with my personal definition):

- Valued (I matter. I am important. I am respected.)

- Productive (I am using my talents. I am competent. I am helpful.)

- Connected (I collaborate. I belong. I am part of something greater.) 

What are your 3 adjectives?

The One Thing We Can Never Get Enough Of

 "The one thing we can never get enough of is love.
And the one thing we never give enough of is love." 

~Henry Miller

The 6th Pillar of Self-Esteem: Personal Integrity

When we act in line with our personal values, we act with integrity. If we behave in a way that conflicts with our values, we respect ourselves less and our self esteem suffers. 

This means we need to know first what our own personal values are, which may take some time and experience.

If we value honesty, reliability and trustworthiness, for example, the questions become: Am I honest with myself and with others? Do I keep my promises? Can others count on me?

And here is the true test: Do my words and behavior match? It’s one thing to say the “right” thing and another to put it into action. Many people talk about honesty, fairness and commitment. But it’s another thing to actually keep your word, stick up for other people and honor your commitments when it is hard to do so or when others may not agree with you.

  

I have found this pillar a very difficult one to practice. As much as I strive to live up to my values, I find that it is extremely hard to always live up to them. I may find myself coming up with a white lie to a friend, in order not to hurt their feelings. I make commitments to myself of what I will get done, then find myself procrastinating. I fail to say how I really feel in order to keep peace and harmony.

We need to remember that like all the other pillars, this is a practice. As we aspire to be honest, reliable, and trustworthy and live up to our values more and more, we increase our self-esteem. But as part of the process, we invariably run into situations where it becomes difficult to practice our values and we occasionally fail. What then?

1.   We own the fact that we did what we did without beating ourselves up (self-acceptance).

2. We seek to understand why we did what we did (with self-compassion).

3. If others are involved, we acknowledge to the other person(s) the harm we have done.

4. We take action to make amends for the harm we have done.

5. We firmly commit to behaving differently in the future.

In practicing Personal Integrity, we raise our self-esteem. We may not be able to do it perfectly, but that is ok. If we set our intention, do the best we can and strive to improve, we increase our self respect. In the process, we might realize that some of the values we held no longer serve us or are not as important as we previously believed. I used to value independence a lot, and while I still believe that it is helpful to be able to stand on your own, I now value connectedness much more than I did before. We redefine our values over time: it’s all part of our journey of personal growth.
 

What are your most important values? What would happen if you lived 5% more in line with your values? 

Personal Integrity is the 6th Pillar from Dr. Nathaniel Branden’s book “The 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem.”

Happiness Quote

"Happiness can only exist in acceptance."  

                                                                                               ~Denis de Rougamont

Love Myself Poem

I found this beautiful poem on self-love today, which has been attributed to Charlie Chaplin. He is said to have written this on his 70th birthday. As we go through life, we come to more and more realizations, and this poem definitely contains great wisdom worth sharing. Enjoy!

As I Began to Love Myself  (attributed to Charlie Chaplin)
As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering
are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth.
Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody
As I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time
was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this
person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT”.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life,
and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow.Today I call it “MATURITY”.
 
As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance,
I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens
at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm.
Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.

As I began to love myself I quit steeling my own time,
and I stopped designing huge projects for the future.
Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do
and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in
my own rhythm. Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for
my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew
me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude
a healthy egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since
I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worry
about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where EVERYTHING
is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me
and it can make me sick. But As I connected it to my heart, my
mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this
connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems
with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing
new worlds are born.Today I know THAT IS “LIFE”!

The 5th Pillar of Self-Esteem: Living Purposefully

Living purposefully means working towards and reaching goals we have set for ourselves, living productively, and effectively using our abilities and talents.

So if living purposefully is a major component of self-esteem, does it mean that people who are high achievers have a healthy sense of self-esteem? Not necessarily. All too often, people who accumulate a lot of external achievements may have gotten there because they wanted to prove their worth. Some have achieved a lot in their career, but their personal relationships are in shambles. Others may hide behind work in order to escape from other realities in their life.

I know this only too well from my own experience. In my previous career, I wanted to prove myself and my worth through my work, which gave me a tremendous amount of motivation to achieve. It seemed easier to “escape” into work and focus on it, so I wouldn’t have to worry about other aspects of my life. And while the external achievements helped build some validation and esteem, it didn’t really help me feel better about myself.

One thing I was missing was a higher purpose: what was I doing everything for? Of course I could set goals for myself: Take on more responsibility, get a promotion, buy a nice house. But these goals didn’t mean very much without a bigger purpose- and not just for my work, but for my life.  

Companies usually have a mission statement that guides the development of a vision and goals. And as part of my job in strategic planning, I applied these principles at work all the time. But I had no idea how to figure out my personal mission statement, until I left the corporate world and went to train as a coach.   

How do you figure out your purpose? The best way to identify your purpose is with the help of others. But you can start the process yourself.  Here is one way to begin: Take a sheet of paper and write “My purpose in life is to...” at the top. Then start writing as many different endings to the sentence as you can, without thinking too much. Just keep on going, filling the page. Put the paper away and revisit it later, marking the endings that resonate the most with you. This is a starting point – there will definitely be some clues to your purpose in life on that page.

The other important component of Living Purposefully is to set goals and take action. Once you know your purpose, it’s time to set specific goals that are in line with your purpose and identify action items to reach those goals.

I believe that our life purpose evolves over time, so it’s fine to start with something now and clarify or edit it later. My life purpose right now is to fall in love with myself and my life, and help others do the same. So my goals, whether it’s developing new workshops, spending time with my friends and loved ones, or writing a book, have a deeper meaning because they help me live my purpose.

How are you living your purpose today?

Living Purposefully is the 5^th Pillar from Dr. Nathaniel Branden’s book “The 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem.”

Every Moment is a Golden One

"Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such." ~Henry Miller

Source: pauerconsulting.com via Manuela on Pinterest