I Love You…Now Change!

We are drawn to other people by qualities we admire. He is so hardworking (or kind, or grounded, or strong or creative)! I really like that she is so independent (or compassionate, or outgoing or funny or honest)! But as time goes on, it happens. It is inevitable. No matter if it’s our partner, a loved one, or a friend, sooner or later we find ourselves thinking: “If only s/he could change this one thing (or maybe two or three), then things would be so much better!

Sometimes it’s the very quality that we liked so much in the beginning that is now annoying. “I loved that he was so kind, but he doesn’t stand up for himself often enough!”  “I adored that she was so outgoing, but I don’t like that she spends so much time talking to everybody!” Or sometimes something that seemed so small before now seems like a big deal. “I always knew that he was sarcastic, but now I cannot stand his bitter comments!”

How can we continue to love someone, without needing them to change?

I just read a great article by Martha Beck, called “How to Love More by Caring Less.” In my mind, it’s not about caring less about the other person, but caring less about specific traits, behaviors and actions of that person. She introduces a simple 4-step system to help us with this:

1.      Think about a person you love or care about, but about whom you want to change something.

2.      Identify what this person must change to make you happy. Complete the following sentence:

If _________________ would only _________________, then I could feel ______________.

3.      Now take out the first part of the sentence, so all that remains is:

I could feel _____________________.

Sure, it would be lovely if the other person could cooperate, but the truth is you don’t need that in order to feel the way you want. This can be incredibly hard to accept. Wouldn’t it be so easy to feel good if others could just do what we want? Yes, it would be, but it is not absolutely necessary!

It is possible to feel the way you want to, even if the other person doesn’t conform to your wishes.

4.      Begin to focus on creating your own happiness, rather than trying to control your loved one’s behavior.

This is not a one-time action, but really a lifelong practice. What is it that you really want to feel? Do you want to feel loved, adored, significant, like you belong, more peaceful or something else…? What can you do to help yourself feel this way? This may involve trying out different activities, spending time with different groups of friends, or carving out more time for yourself. 

And here is the bonus: When we try to change someone, the energy we project can be anxious, pushy or controlling (even if we don’t mean to). This usually triggers the other person to react the opposite way we want them to – they become defensive and more resistant to change. But when we stop trying to change the other person and focus on ourselves, the anxious and controlling energy goes away, and it frees the other person to feel accepted and more open to change.

What can you do today to feel the way you want to?

To Be Happy, Rest Like A Giant Tree

"Praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow come and go like the wind. To be happy, rest like a giant tree, in the midst of them all." 

~Buddha

Something Inside You Emerges...

“Something inside you emerges….an innate, indwelling peace, stillness, aliveness. It is the unconditioned, who you are in your essence. It is what you had been looking for in the love object. It is yourself.”
~Eckhart Tolle

Isn't Loving Yourself Selfish?

I get asked this question from time to time, so I want to address it here. Many people are interested in learning more about loving themselves, but are somehow feeling guilty about it at the same time. 

Is Loving Yourself Selfish? The answer is No, It Is Not Selfish. In fact, it is one of the most generous things you can do for others.

Here’s why:

If you don’t love yourself and just take care of others, sacrificing yourself, denying your own needs, and suppressing your wants, you might start to build some resentment. This resentment might come out in different ways: you might feel less patient or less compassion for others. You might become angry. You feel unhappy, making it harder to stay positive. If you continue on, you might get sick, and now you are really not able to take care of or be there for others anymore. On the contrary, others will need to start taking care of you. I have seen people get very ill (physically as well as mentally) by trying to sacrifice themselves. So what started out as a good intention ends up not helping, but adding a burden to others.

Loving yourself does not mean that you are full of yourself, conceited or don’t care about others. Self love means that you accept yourself, are compassionate with yourself, and empower yourself. If someone is arrogant or conceited it is often because they don’t have enough self love.

Taking care of yourself and loving yourself is one of the most loving things you can do for others. When you take care of yourself, you are increasing your capacity to take care of people you care about. You are able to be more patient, more compassionate, more present, have more energy, be happier and more positive. By taking the time to really nurture yourself and fulfill your needs and follow your passions, you are better able to motivate, inspire, spread joy, and share happiness.   

You are not just doing this for yourself. You are doing this for your loved ones, for the people you care about, for everyone you touch with your life.  It benefits everyone.

So if anyone around you wonders whether it is okay to take care of themselves by taking time to rest, saying ‘no’ to a request, spending some time away from their children or husbands, practicing a hobby, or taking some time off, please tell them that is not only okay, but it is important they do.

You need to take care of yourself first, so you can be there for others. 

By loving yourself, you are able to bring more love to others.