Have you ever been in a relationship with someone where you tried
so hard to make the other person happy that you abandoned yourself in the
process? Have you ever cared too much when trying to help others, sacrificing
yourself as a result? Have you ever
tried to please others, and in doing so betrayed your own needs and wants?
At different points in my life, I have abandoned myself,
practiced self-sacrifice and betrayed my own needs and wants, never realizing
how I was hurting myself in the process. Without knowing it, I was actively
practicing the opposite of self-assertiveness, which is an important element of
self-esteem.
What is self-assertiveness? Self-assertiveness means living
authentically, being who you are openly every day, without worrying about
pleasing others. It means honoring your wants, needs and values. Speaking and
acting from your inner convictions as a way of life. Treating yourself with
respect and being willing to stand up for yourself.
Some of us may have a negative view of self-assertiveness,
equating it with aggressiveness or selfishness. And some of us come from a
culture where it is more desirable to fit in than to stand out. How can we
embrace self-assertiveness if we have been taught that it is bad or dangerous
to do so?
It may help to clarify that self-assertiveness is NOT
belligerence or inappropriate aggressiveness, it doesn’t mean pushing to the
front of the line or being blind to other people’s needs. It’s NOT mindless
rebelliousness. Also, you don’t have to give
up being part of a family, community, or group. It’s all about finding a
balance between who you are and being in relationship with others. We all have to adjust to particular
situations, environments and people. But we do not want to consistently abandon
who we are, and betray our true needs, wants and values on a regular basis.
When we do not express ourselves and do not stand up for our
values when it is appropriate to do so, we are hurting our sense of self. The
crazy part is that nobody is doing it to us – we are doing it to ourselves! (See last week’s article on self-responsibility for more.)
So how can we start practicing Self-Assertiveness instead?
We need to become conscious of what we are doing and start
taking action.
You can begin by completing the following sentences, just
jotting down different endings that come to your mind, without thinking about
it too much.
1. If I had the courage to treat my needs and wants as
important…
2. If I am willing let people hear the music inside me…
3. If I am to express 5 percent more of myself today…
Then go ahead and take one of the actions you come up with.
Speak up when you are wondering if you should say something. Share something
about yourself with someone. Honor one of your wants and do something you have
been meaning to do. Each of those
actions is a step toward Self-Assertiveness and a step toward a more Authentic You.
This is the 4th Pillar from Dr. Nathaniel
Branden’s book “The 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem.” For more on self-assertiveness,
see: http://www.nathanielbranden.com/to-succeed-at-anything-in-life-you-must-know-how-and-when-to-be-assertive/
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