Start Taking Control of Your Life: Stop Blaming Others (and Yourself)

One of the key obstacles that I have noticed gets in the way of loving ourselves, others around us, and our lives, is blaming.
I hear it every day. 

Some of my clients blame themselves. Our Inner Critic can be really harsh at judging us and I work with people to be compassionate with themselves instead. (See: Self Judgment Or Self-Compassion?)

However, I hear people blaming others around them even more:
“My boyfriend isn’t generous enough (so it’s his fault that I don’t feel loved.) My friend isn’t understanding (so it’s her fault that I feel alone.) My mother criticizes me (so it’s her fault that I don’t pursue my dreams.) My boss is too demanding (so it’s his fault that I feel so stressed out.)  My co-workers are uncooperative (so it’s their fault that I am overworked.) My son is too stubborn (so it’s his fault that we don’t have peace at home.)”

Or we blame the situation that we are in:
“I don’t have enough money, so I can’t really do what I want. I don’t have any friends who want to go anywhere, so I cannot travel. I don’t have the “right” education or experience, so I cannot have the career I really want. The economy is bad, so I can’t start a business.”  

How does all the blaming help us? It relieves us of any responsibility (There is nothing I can do. It’s somebody else’s fault!) and it allows us to stay in our comfort zone, where it’s nice and safe.

The problem is that it also keeps us stuck. If we continue to blame others, we feel like a victim and think that these things just happen to us and we have no control over them. If we blame ourselves, we end up feeling bad and don’t have the confidence to step out of our comfort zone and take risks to go for what we really want.

How do we get out of this cycle?

Stop Blaming (yourself or anybody else) and ask yourself these 3 questions:

1.       “What can I be responsible for in this situation?”

Maybe you are not speaking up. Or you are not seeking out any help. Or you are not taking care of yourself. Or you have been avoiding telling yourself the truth about something.

Please remember: Taking responsibility does not mean blaming yourself. It just means acknowledging your role in this situation with self-compassion.

2.       “What have I been unwilling to accept in this situation up until now?”

3.       “What action can I now commit to in this situation?”

Giving up blaming is one of the most powerful things we can do to stop feeling like a victim and start taking control of our life. It allows us to pursue what we are passionate about, create more loving relationships, and feel happier and more fulfilled.

What will you choose today: Staying stuck or moving forward?