Any time I am in resentment I am not taking care of myself

"Any time I am in resentment, I am not taking care of myself. I am blaming someone else for something I need to do."

~Anon

It's so easy to see the faults in other people and react to what they have "done to us." But if we stay in resentment, we are now continuing to hurt ourselves. 

Let's not hurt ourselves. Let's love ourselves. By choosing love, peace, joy, serenity, kindness, compassion, generosity and faith over fear, greed, jealousy, anger, bitterness, negativity and anxiety.

By respecting ourselves, by being compassionate with ourselves, and by giving to ourselves what we need.

By learning from the past and making new choices for the future.    ♥ 


Manuela is helping smart and creative women bring more happiness into their lives! You can visit Manuela's Website for Professional Life Coaching and Personal Growth Workshops.

Let Go of the Past and Embrace the Future

Why is letting go so hard to do? After all, the past is the past, right? 

Yet oftentimes, we spend time occupying ourselves with things that happened in the past. Someone may have wronged us, disappointed us, or let us down. It might have been a friend, a co-worker, an ex or a family member. 

And we find it hard to let go of that event or situation. We may still feel hurt, betrayed, or angry, even years after the fact. And we continue to carry these negative emotions with us. 

I have talked to people who are still bitter years after their divorce. I have met professionals who are having a hard time coming to terms with having been laid off. I know adults who still resent their parents.

Some well-meaning friends may be telling us to just forgive and forget. But that’s easier said than done.

We somehow know that holding on to the past is not allowing us to move into the future, where new possibilities and opportunities await us. But how do we move past our resentment?

I believe that the key to letting go of the past is to practice self-responsibility. If we see the event in the past as something that somebody did to us, where we were the victim, we make ourselves powerless. "He or she did this to me." "There was nothing I could do." We may continue to replay what happened and just continue the cycle of our negative emotions.

If we look for parts of the event that we can take responsibility for, where we have some control, something interesting happens. We have now empowered ourselves. We can look for other ways to respond and choose to do something different in the future. We can take action.

How do we take self-responsibility? Just ask yourself this magic question:  What part of this situation can I be responsible for?

This is not about looking for who to blame. It is just looking for facts. (If you are blaming yourself for what happened, please see my article on self-compassion.)

For example, let’s say that a friend lied to you and when you finally found out you were furious and now the friendship is over. What part of the situation can you take responsibility for? Maybe you felt that something wasn’t right, but you didn’t ask further questions. Maybe part of you didn’t want to know the truth. Maybe you chose to let previous smaller lies slide. You can also take responsibility for your reactions.

Whatever piece you can find to take self-responsibility for, make a decision about what good can come out of this and what you want to commit to for the future.

What would be possible for you if you let go of the past and embraced the future? 

Manuela is helping smart and creative women let go of their past, so they can maximize their potential! You can visit Manuela's Website for Professional Life Coaching and Personal Growth Workshops.

Start Taking Control of Your Life: Stop Blaming Others (and Yourself)

One of the key obstacles that I have noticed gets in the way of loving ourselves, others around us, and our lives, is blaming.
I hear it every day. 

Some of my clients blame themselves. Our Inner Critic can be really harsh at judging us and I work with people to be compassionate with themselves instead. (See: Self Judgment Or Self-Compassion?)

However, I hear people blaming others around them even more:
“My boyfriend isn’t generous enough (so it’s his fault that I don’t feel loved.) My friend isn’t understanding (so it’s her fault that I feel alone.) My mother criticizes me (so it’s her fault that I don’t pursue my dreams.) My boss is too demanding (so it’s his fault that I feel so stressed out.)  My co-workers are uncooperative (so it’s their fault that I am overworked.) My son is too stubborn (so it’s his fault that we don’t have peace at home.)”

Or we blame the situation that we are in:
“I don’t have enough money, so I can’t really do what I want. I don’t have any friends who want to go anywhere, so I cannot travel. I don’t have the “right” education or experience, so I cannot have the career I really want. The economy is bad, so I can’t start a business.”  

How does all the blaming help us? It relieves us of any responsibility (There is nothing I can do. It’s somebody else’s fault!) and it allows us to stay in our comfort zone, where it’s nice and safe.

The problem is that it also keeps us stuck. If we continue to blame others, we feel like a victim and think that these things just happen to us and we have no control over them. If we blame ourselves, we end up feeling bad and don’t have the confidence to step out of our comfort zone and take risks to go for what we really want.

How do we get out of this cycle?

Stop Blaming (yourself or anybody else) and ask yourself these 3 questions:

1.       “What can I be responsible for in this situation?”

Maybe you are not speaking up. Or you are not seeking out any help. Or you are not taking care of yourself. Or you have been avoiding telling yourself the truth about something.

Please remember: Taking responsibility does not mean blaming yourself. It just means acknowledging your role in this situation with self-compassion.

2.       “What have I been unwilling to accept in this situation up until now?”

3.       “What action can I now commit to in this situation?”

Giving up blaming is one of the most powerful things we can do to stop feeling like a victim and start taking control of our life. It allows us to pursue what we are passionate about, create more loving relationships, and feel happier and more fulfilled.

What will you choose today: Staying stuck or moving forward?

The 3rd Pillar of Self-Esteem: Self-Responsibility

Self-Responsibility is a very powerful concept.  It means that I am willing to take responsibility for my actions, for reaching my goals and desires, for my well-being and my life! Nobody else can do this for me. 

There are times in our lives when we feel down, think we are a victim, or life appears to be just “happening” to us. We might think: If only someone came to get me out of this. If only someone would make me happy. If only something would happen to make this go away. If only someone would really love me. If only someone could truly understand me… 

The sobering truth is, no genie will appear to grant us our wishes, no prince or princess will come and rescue us, and no fairy godmother will wave her magic wand.

But here is the good news: You are your own genie, you are the prince or princess, and you are your own fairy godmother!  You are the one you have been waiting for: That someone who can get you out of this, make you happy, love you and understand you is…yourself!   

You will probably need help and support along the way (we all do), but you have to be the one who takes action to ask for and get the help and support you need.

Of course we don’t have control over everything. This is not about holding ourselves responsible for matters beyond our control. However, we have so much more power than we are aware of!

The power of this principle became even clearer to me in the context of holding resentment and blaming others. When I was younger, I held a lot of resentment against my parents. I blamed them for many things, including my own unhappiness. However, it got me nowhere. Resentment and blaming just kept me stuck. I just kept on wishing for things to be different.

Claiming self-responsibility meant that I had to start asking myself what I could take responsibility for. This is different from blaming yourself – it’s not about finding fault. It’s just asking yourself what role you are playing in this. In my case, I could take responsibility for not speaking up, for not sharing how I truly felt. Once I realized that, I was able to take action by having more open conversations. It was a process, but I was able to realize what lessons I could learn and what good could come from this, and I was finally able to let go.

Before, I had a very convenient story: I could see myself as a victim, feel sorry for myself, and wish for things to change magically or for someone to come and rescue me. But none of this helped me move forward. It just kept me where I was.

Wishing or blaming keeps you stuck. Taking self-responsibility helps you move forward.

Here are some questions that can help you kick-start this process:

If you could give up blaming your parents, your ex, your boss, or your co-worker and take responsibility for your actions, what would you realize? What would you be able to do?

If you took responsibility for your behavior with other people, what would happen?

If you could accept that you are responsible for your own happiness, what would you go out and do?

Take a few moments to write down what answers come to you, without thinking for long and without editing. Then read what you have written. What are you aware of now?

This is the 3^rd Pillar from Dr. Nathaniel Branden’s book “The 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem.” For more on self-responsibility, see: http://www.nathanielbranden.com/discussions/self-esteem/all-about-responsibility/