Stop Asking “Am I Happy?”

Am I happy? I have often asked myself this question, hoping that it would act as a compass to guide me whether I am in a good place or need to change something. And well-meaning friends have asked me this question, too, wanting to know that I am doing well.

Yet it is sometimes a hard question to answer, because we are not happy every minute of the day. Also, how do we gauge happiness – do we set an internal standard or do we try to compare ourselves to others? And how would we know how happy others truly are?

So I was curious to read Tal Ben-Shar’s book “Happier”, in which he suggests a more helpful question to ask. The question is “How can I become happier?”

He argues that the pursuit of happiness is an ongoing process, not a destination. This finite point when we finally reach perfect happiness does not exist, but we can definitely bring more happiness into our lives.

I always tell people that loving yourself is a practice, not a one-time thing that you do. It’s like working out – you don’t just go the gym once and are set for the rest of your life. Similarly, you don’t just accept yourself and show self compassion once and are done. And in the same way, you don’t just pick a pursuit that makes you happy and are complete.

We sometimes wish for a quick fix, but the truth is that in order to reach most things that we want, we need to establish a practice. Ideally, it’s something we do regularly at a specific time, and is motivated by something that is deeply meaningful to us. 

Because I value being present and aware, my morning Tai Chi practice is very important to me. Since connection, self-expression, and feeling alive are meaningful to me, my weekly dance classes are one of my priorities. And they both contribute to my happiness. What values are important to you and how do you choose to practice them regularly in your life?


Manuela loves helping others bring more happiness into their lives!  You can visit Manuela's Website for Personal Success Coaching and check out her upcoming “Secrets to Happiness” Workshop!

How to Feel Less Stressed, Anxious and Depressed, and Happier, more Resilient and Optimistic

If you had never felt stressed or anxious before, you would be alone in this world. One of the most common complaints I hear from my clients over and over again is that they are feeling overworked or overwhelmed and trying to find balance in their life. 

Wouldn’t it be nice if there was something simple you could do that would help you feel less stressed, anxious and depressed, and happier, more resilient and optimistic instead?

Well, it turns out there is!  It is… the practice of Self-Compassion.

What is Self-Compassion?  Self-compassion means treating yourself with kindness and understanding, like a best friend would. Instead of criticizing yourself or judging yourself, when you are having a difficult time, feel like you made a mistake, or don’t like something about yourself, you are supportive and encouraging toward yourself.  

But if I am not hard on myself, will I be motivated to get things done or to do better? Yes! Self-compassion is not letting yourself off the hook and be self indulgent. It’s using our desire for happiness, connection, and love as our primary motivation, as opposed to using guilt, shame and fear, which makes ourselves feel bad and adds stress and anxiety to our life.

If we are able to be more compassionate toward ourselves, we can approach things that give us joy and meaning and hold ourselves accountable.

But how can we increase our Self-Compassion? Here are a couple of ways to begin practicing.

1.       Give Yourself a Hug

That’s right. An easy way to calm and comfort yourself when you’re feeling badly is through soothing touch.

Research shows that self-compassion may be a powerful trigger for the release of oxytocin. Higher levels of oxytocin strongly increase feelings of trust, calm, safety, generosity, and connectedness.

Next time you notice that you’re feeling stressed, anxious, or self-critical, try giving yourself a warm hug, or tenderly stroking your arm or face, or gently rocking your body. Convey love, care and tenderness with your gesture. Notice how your body feels after receiving the comforting touch.

2.       Be Your Best Friend

At the end of the day, think about the worst thing that happened to you.  Write a paragraph to yourself about the situation with self-compassion. What would you say to your best friend in your position? Show understanding and kindness for yourself, and include what you need to hear to feel nurtured and soothed.   

For example, let’s say you found out that you didn’t get the job you interviewed for.  You can write something like: “I can see how upset you are. You really wanted that job. It is difficult to receive a rejection. But you really did your best. There is a job out there that is a good fit.”

It may feel funny or strange at first, but with practice, self-compassion will feel more and more comfortable and will come more naturally. As we become more self-compassionate, we feel happier, more resilient and more optimistic. And it not only benefits us – it gives us more emotional energy to be there for others and give more support to our loved ones. 

How will you practice Self-Compassion today?

For more information about research on Self-Compassion, I highly recommend Dr. Kristin Neff’s Website.

Manuela teaches women life strategies to find meaning, balance, and personal success! You can visit Manuela's Website for Personal Success Coaching and Empowerment Workshops.

How To Make New Year’s Resolutions Work: Create New Daily Habits

Happy New Year! For many of us, this is the time we reflect on the past year and make resolutions for the coming one. Do you already have your list of resolutions for 2013? Or maybe you have some ideas, but are not sure where to start?

At the beginning of last year, I recommended setting intentions and creating new daily habits instead of setting goals for the year. (See: Stop Setting Goals)  If we want to make real changes in our lives, we have to change our habits. And that takes daily practice.

So here we are, a year later. How did my practice of daily habits work out? I started by saying that I wanted to spend more time in nature and spend at least 5 minutes going outside every morning. Well, my boyfriend and I ended up adopting a puppy, so that habit has evolved to taking a walk every morning with our dog. As a result, I am now getting much more time than 5 minutes in nature. =)

I also wanted to get back to a contemplative practice. I have tried all sorts of things over the years, from journaling to meditating to trying yoga. I finally discovered Tai Chi a few years ago, and it is the practice that I find most restorative. I used to take Tai Chi classes in the morning, but wasn’t able to continue them when I moved. So for the last few months, I have been practicing Tai Chi in the park, at the end of my daily morning walk. I am happy that it is now part of my morning ritual.

Another practice has been to choose love over fear. To choose the positive over the negative. I have a picture of my Inner Champion (see: Meet Your Inner Champion) next to my desk, and he reminds me of all the good, positive aspects I want to choose in my life every day: joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, generosity, empathy, compassion, faith, and truth. It is a daily practice, because so much around us is based on fear, anger, resentment, ego, etc. So we have to choose what and who we want to surround ourselves with.

For this coming year, I want to continue these practices and the ones I started in previous years (like my daily acknowledgments and gratitudes), as well as add new ones. The one I am currently working on is finding a daily restorative practice in the afternoon. An afternoon walk with our doggie is not enough, so I am trying out different things to see what works best. Once I tackle that habit, I will focus on others.

I would like to invite you to join me in setting new daily habits for this year that will make a positive impact on your life and that you will enjoy. What do you most deeply desire for 2013? What daily habit would best support you?

Let’s make 2013 great!