How to Feel Less Stressed, Anxious and Depressed, and Happier, more Resilient and Optimistic

If you had never felt stressed or anxious before, you would be alone in this world. One of the most common complaints I hear from my clients over and over again is that they are feeling overworked or overwhelmed and trying to find balance in their life. 

Wouldn’t it be nice if there was something simple you could do that would help you feel less stressed, anxious and depressed, and happier, more resilient and optimistic instead?

Well, it turns out there is!  It is… the practice of Self-Compassion.

What is Self-Compassion?  Self-compassion means treating yourself with kindness and understanding, like a best friend would. Instead of criticizing yourself or judging yourself, when you are having a difficult time, feel like you made a mistake, or don’t like something about yourself, you are supportive and encouraging toward yourself.  

But if I am not hard on myself, will I be motivated to get things done or to do better? Yes! Self-compassion is not letting yourself off the hook and be self indulgent. It’s using our desire for happiness, connection, and love as our primary motivation, as opposed to using guilt, shame and fear, which makes ourselves feel bad and adds stress and anxiety to our life.

If we are able to be more compassionate toward ourselves, we can approach things that give us joy and meaning and hold ourselves accountable.

But how can we increase our Self-Compassion? Here are a couple of ways to begin practicing.

1.       Give Yourself a Hug

That’s right. An easy way to calm and comfort yourself when you’re feeling badly is through soothing touch.

Research shows that self-compassion may be a powerful trigger for the release of oxytocin. Higher levels of oxytocin strongly increase feelings of trust, calm, safety, generosity, and connectedness.

Next time you notice that you’re feeling stressed, anxious, or self-critical, try giving yourself a warm hug, or tenderly stroking your arm or face, or gently rocking your body. Convey love, care and tenderness with your gesture. Notice how your body feels after receiving the comforting touch.

2.       Be Your Best Friend

At the end of the day, think about the worst thing that happened to you.  Write a paragraph to yourself about the situation with self-compassion. What would you say to your best friend in your position? Show understanding and kindness for yourself, and include what you need to hear to feel nurtured and soothed.   

For example, let’s say you found out that you didn’t get the job you interviewed for.  You can write something like: “I can see how upset you are. You really wanted that job. It is difficult to receive a rejection. But you really did your best. There is a job out there that is a good fit.”

It may feel funny or strange at first, but with practice, self-compassion will feel more and more comfortable and will come more naturally. As we become more self-compassionate, we feel happier, more resilient and more optimistic. And it not only benefits us – it gives us more emotional energy to be there for others and give more support to our loved ones. 

How will you practice Self-Compassion today?

For more information about research on Self-Compassion, I highly recommend Dr. Kristin Neff’s Website.

Manuela teaches women life strategies to find meaning, balance, and personal success! You can visit Manuela's Website for Personal Success Coaching and Empowerment Workshops.

Are You Acting Out of Fear or Love?

“Every action taken by a human being is based in love or fear, not simply those dealing with relationships… Every single free choice you ever undertake arises out of one of the only two possible thought there are: A thought of love or a thought of fear. 

Fear is the energy which contracts, closes down, draws in, runs, hides, hoards, harms.

Love is the energy which expands, opens up, sends out, stays, reveals, shares, heals.

Fear wraps our bodies in clothing, Love allows us to stand naked. Fear clings to and clutches all that we have, Love gives all that we have away. Fear holds close, Love holds dear. Fear grasps, Love lets go. Fear rankles, Love soothes. Fear attacks, Love amends.

Every human thought word or deed is based in one emotion or the other. You have no choice about this because There is nothing else from which to choose. But - you have free choice about which one of these to select.”
~Neale Donald Walsch

I read this quote a long time ago, but it continues to be relevant to me every day. It’s asking a very important question: Are you acting out of fear or love in your life?

When you are at work, do you try to do everything on your own, with as little help as possible? Do you try hard to control things rather than getting input? Do you hold on to information rather than sharing it? If so, you are acting out of fear.

In your relationships, do you try to protect yourself so you won’t get hurt? Do you feel resentment or guilt about things that happened in the past? Do you feel alone or separate? If so, then it’s fear that is closing you down.

I sometimes notice myself closing down or feeling anxious about my business or about a situation with another person. At times, I feel like I want to crawl into a hole and hide or I get the urge to escape and distract myself by playing computer games or eating chocolate. What feelings come up for you when you are in fear?

Once we notice that we are in fear, we can make a choice to act out of love instead. To decide to trust that things will work out, to be compassionate and open, and to feel connected to others and the world. How do we step out of fear and anxiety into love and joy?

First, treat yourself with self-compassion. Instead of judging and criticizing yourself, talk to yourself as if you were talking to your best friend. Your best friend has your back, supports you, encourages you, consoles you, and celebrates with you. (This one minute video can help get you in touch with that part of you: http://youtu.be/wO6VPWi1SxA)

Then, get some support. Talk to people or spend time in groups that are positive and who you trust: Friends, family members, coaches or therapists, mentors, colleagues, church groups, dance classes, support groups, volunteer groups, etc. You want to put yourself in environments that are uplifting and inspiring.

Finally, take action. If we just stay in our head, it’s easy for the fear to keep on growing. Take a step based on love, toward what you want and what is important to you. 

Which choice will you make today: Fear or Love?

The 2nd Pillar of Self-Esteem: Self-Acceptance

Do you accept yourself, just the way you are? Not just all the things that are great about you, but also the parts that you might think are not so great about you?

Self-acceptance means that we are willing to acknowledge that we think what we think, feel what we feel, desire what we desire, have done what we have done, and are what we are.

Take a moment and think about all the things you already accept and love about yourself. And then take a moment and write down some things that are harder to accept about yourself.  

Here is a key distinction: “Accepting” does not necessarily mean that you have to “like”, “enjoy” or “condone” something. It doesn’t mean that you cannot wish for a change or an improvement. It just means that you can say: “This is an expression of me, not necessarily an expression I like or admire, but still an expression of me, at least at the time it occurred.”

And by accepting that part of ourselves, it now frees us up to change, if we so choose. There are definitely some things that are harder to accept about myself. I procrastinate, I find it hard to focus on one thing, and I can be indecisive. If I am not willing to accept these traits, then I cannot do anything about them, since I am not even willing to acknowledge that they are a fact. Once I am able to accept them, I have a choice. I can embrace them or work on changing them, if I want.

What if there is an emotion, behavior, or thought that you are simply unwilling to accept? Start by accepting your resistance to accept it. And if you cannot accept your resistance, accept your resistance to accept your resistance. =)

Be compassionate with yourself through this process. We all have things we like and don’t like about ourselves. If we judge ourselves, then we are not accepting who we are.

What would happen if you were more accepting of your “supposed” flaws?

What would happen if you were more accepting of your greatness?

This is the 2^nd Pillar from Dr. Nathaniel Branden’s book “The 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem.” For more on self-acceptance when it feels impossible, see: http://www.esteemedself.com/when-self-acceptance-feels-impossible/

Self-Judgment or Self-Compassion?

Have you ever criticized or judged yourself? Maybe a meeting didn’t go well and you were angry with yourself for not preparing enough or not being able to express yourself the way you wanted to.  Or maybe you forgot to do something you really needed to get done and you told yourself: “I can’t believe I forgot again! That’s so stupid of me!”  

That critical voice used to run in my head all the time. I remember feeling shocked the first time I realized how many negative messages were running through my head and how hard I was on myself. I would never talk that way to a friend! So how come I was speaking to myself in such a mean way?

My inner critic actually had good intentions: She was trying to motivate me to get things done, not make mistakes and to do better. Unfortunately, in the process, she was also making me feel bad about myself.  She was not being very compassionate in the process.

Oftentimes we are afraid that if we are too compassionate with ourselves, we will lose our motivation and drive to accomplish things. Interestingly, a number of studies on self-compassion have found that people who have more self-compassion are less likely to procrastinate, more likely to re-engage with goals after facing setbacks, and more willing to receive and act on feedback.  It has even shown to lead to more success in dieting. Self-compassion is definitely more powerful than self-criticism!

Practicing to love myself has meant practicing self-compassion. So instead of berating myself for not doing something, I would tell myself that it is ok, that there is no need to be perfect, and that I can get started on it now instead.  =)

How do you practice self-compassion? You can begin by thinking of something that upset you today or this week. Instead of judging and criticizing yourself, simply write to yourself about this situation as if you were talking to your best friend.  Your best friend has your back, supports you, encourages you, consoles you, and celebrates with you. We are spending a lot of time with ourselves. Why not develop a relationship in which we are our own “best friend”?

For more about research on self-compassion, watch Stanford’s health psychologist Kelly Mcgonigal’s talk:  http://kellymcgonigal.com/2011/12/01/the-power-of-self-compassion/