You Are Worthy

I found this beautiful poem to be a great reminder that it is our uniqueness that makes us special, to keep our hopes alive, and to cherish our life. 

I love the first 2 lines: "Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others." 

How often do we compare ourselves without even realizing that we are hurting our self-worth by doing so?  Let's stop comparing and  remember: You Are Worthy.

 

You Are Worthy

Do not undermine your worth
By comparing yourself with others.

It is because we are different

That each of us is special.

Do not set your goals

By what other people deem important.
Only you know
What is best for you.

Do not take for granted

The things closest to your heart.
Cling to them as you would your life,
For without them,
Life is meaningless.

Do not let your life

Slip through your fingers
By living in the past
Nor for the future.

By living your life one day at a time,

You live all the days of your life.

Do not give up

When you still have something to give.
Nothing is really over
Until the moment you stop trying.

It is a fragile thread

That binds us to each other.

Do not be afraid to encounter risks.

It is by taking chances
That we learn how to be brave.

Do not shut love out of your life

By saying it is impossible to find.

The quickest way to receive love

Is to give love;
The fastest way to lose love
Is to hold it too tightly; 

In addition,
The best way to keep love
Is to give it wings.

Do not dismiss your dreams.

To be without dreams
Is to be without hope;
To be without hope
Is to be without purpose.

Do not run through life

So fast that you forget
Not only where you have been,
But also where you are going.

Life is not a race,

But a journey
To be savoured each step of the way.

~ Author Unknown

The Gifts of Imperfection Part II: How to Believe That We Are Worthy

Last week we talked about how we often have a long list of things we think we need to accomplish first BEFORE we think we are worthy. (See here for the article.) The problem is, as soon as we finally reach an item on the list, there is always another one – it never ends.

So what gets in the way of us believing that we are worthy RIGHT NOW?  Shame.  Shame is basically the fear of being unlovable. We believe that we are somehow flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. We are afraid that people won’t like us if they knew the truth about who we are, what we believe, what we are struggling with or how we are soaring. 

In order to deal with shame, some of us withdraw or hide, some try to appease and please, and some respond by being aggressive and attacking back. Yet all of these strategies move us away from who we truly are. They don’t allow us to accept ourselves just the way we are.

There is only one way out of shame : We have to do the very thing we are all afraid to do - talk about it. We have to reach out and share our experience with people we trust. (Don’t share with people who are judgmental, since that will make you feel worse.) We have to talk about how we are feeling and ask for what we need.  Shame loses power when it is spoken. 

What are you ashamed of? Who are the people in your life who can listen to your shame stories and love you for being you, including your struggles? Reach out to them and talk to them about the very things you are ashamed to admit. Because you don’t need to accomplish anything from your list first. You are worthy RIGHT NOW. ♥

The Gifts of Imperfection: Being Worthy

Brené Brown wrote a beautiful book titled “The Gifts of Imperfection”, which is a blessing, especially to those of us who are recovering perfectionists. She has collected thousands of stories all over the country and found that we all struggle with shame and the fear of not being enough. As a result, many of us are afraid to be our true selves.  She found that how much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but loving ourselves and embracing our vulnerability is even more essential, for our own sake and for those who are close to us.

But how do we embrace ourselves, just the way we are, including all of our imperfections? Oftentimes, we have knowingly or unknowingly created some sort of list that we have to satisfy first, before we “are worthy.” 

Things like:

I’ll be worthy if I lose twenty pounds.

I’ll be worthy if I can get pregnant.

I’ll be worthy if I make partner (or become a manager, director, VP, have a successful business, etc.)

I’ll be worthy if everyone thinks I am a good parent.

I’ll be worthy when my parents finally approve.

I’ll be worthy if I have a boyfriend/girlfriend (get engaged, get married, etc.)

It never ends. Once we finally reach one item on our list, we focus on a new one. We have to get to the point where we believe that we are worthy now. Not if or when we reach a certain goal. We are worthy and we are enough RIGHT NOW. There is nothing we need to accomplish first.

I used to have several items on my list I needed to accomplish successfully in order to feel worthy. There was always the next higher work title I needed to get to (first manager, then director etc.) I wanted my parents’ approval. Then there were all the day-to-day goals. What is on your list of things you need to satisfy before you are worthy?

Next time: How to believe that you are worthy right now

Are you your best friend or worst enemy?

I still see so many tributes people are posting about music legend Whitney Houston. Clearly her sudden passing has touched many. In a 2002 interview, TV journalist Diane Sawyer asked Whitney Houston what she considered the "biggest devil" among her failings. Houston answered: "Nobody makes me do anything I don't want to do. So the bigger devil is me, I am either my best friend or my worst enemy."

Looking from the outside, Houston had it all: beauty and talent, great fame, and huge financial success.  However, what she was feeling on the inside was a different story. What made her resort to alcohol, start taking drugs, and stay in a destructive marriage with Bobby Brown? It doesn’t matter how great things look on the outside – it’s how you feel on the inside that counts. Being famous and in the spotlight creates a lot of pressure: to look good, to perform well, and to sound good. It pushes you beyond your comfort zone, creating fear and anxiety. And it’s easy to feel “not good enough” or “imperfect” if you are constantly being watched, reviewed, and criticized by others. 

Whether you are your best friend or worst enemy is the key. If you are truly your best friend, then you will know that you are always enough, that you are perfect the way you are and that it is completely fine to make mistakes.  It doesn’t matter what everyone else says. If you are your worst enemy, you will always feel that you not good enough, judge yourself for all your imperfections and criticize yourself for every mistake you make.

It doesn’t matter whether we are famous or not – we all grapple with similar issues. Every time we try something new, we push beyond our comfort zone and might feel anxious. There are others around us who may voice their opinions and criticisms, and we have to decide whether we listen to them or not. 

How do you deal with your everyday pressures? Are you your best friend or your worst enemy? 

Surround Yourself With People Who Know Your Worth

A friend of mine sent me this quote yesterday: “Surround yourself with people who know your worth. You don't need too many people to be happy, just a few real ones who appreciate you for exactly who you are.”  (Lessons Learned in Life) And it’s so true. How often do we try to be a certain way to fit in, to be more outgoing or quieter, funnier or less vocal, more fashionable or cooler, more articulate or less emotional, more successful or less powerful, etc.? And for what? 

My Mom is Japanese, and while growing up there was always concern about what other people would say and how things would be perceived by others, even though I grew up in Germany. And it is true: In Japanese culture, where conformity is so important to being accepted by society, people will often notice, talk and maybe ostracize you if you are different. I remember going to elementary school in Japan during one summer and my classmates immediately informed me about the differences they noticed: “Why are you wearing a watch? You are not supposed to wear a watch in class. Why is your hair so long? It’s not supposed to be that long.” I learned and adapted. I stopped wearing a watch to school and my teacher informed everyone that it was ok for my hair to be that long because I was going back to Germany after the summer and students could have long hair over there.

Wearing or not wearing a watch may not be significant, but what if you had to change your personality to conform? What if your “friends” told you that you were too quiet or too loud? What if you felt you had to be more aggressive or less caring at work? Every time we are asked to change in a way that goes against our nature, we are not honoring ourselves and who we are. By making other people’s opinions more important, we suppress ourselves. We are telling ourselves that there is something wrong with us. We are not loving ourselves. 

So surround yourself with supporters instead. Seek out people who will accept and love you for who you are.  You don’t need  to please everyone. Not everyone needs to like you. Your true friends will. And if you want to grow and change for yourself, because you want to, then great!  But don’t do it for someone else. Accept yourself. Love yourself. And make sure the closest people around you do as well.