The 6th Pillar of Self-Esteem: Personal Integrity

When we act in line with our personal values, we act with integrity. If we behave in a way that conflicts with our values, we respect ourselves less and our self esteem suffers. 

This means we need to know first what our own personal values are, which may take some time and experience.

If we value honesty, reliability and trustworthiness, for example, the questions become: Am I honest with myself and with others? Do I keep my promises? Can others count on me?

And here is the true test: Do my words and behavior match? It’s one thing to say the “right” thing and another to put it into action. Many people talk about honesty, fairness and commitment. But it’s another thing to actually keep your word, stick up for other people and honor your commitments when it is hard to do so or when others may not agree with you.

  

I have found this pillar a very difficult one to practice. As much as I strive to live up to my values, I find that it is extremely hard to always live up to them. I may find myself coming up with a white lie to a friend, in order not to hurt their feelings. I make commitments to myself of what I will get done, then find myself procrastinating. I fail to say how I really feel in order to keep peace and harmony.

We need to remember that like all the other pillars, this is a practice. As we aspire to be honest, reliable, and trustworthy and live up to our values more and more, we increase our self-esteem. But as part of the process, we invariably run into situations where it becomes difficult to practice our values and we occasionally fail. What then?

1.   We own the fact that we did what we did without beating ourselves up (self-acceptance).

2. We seek to understand why we did what we did (with self-compassion).

3. If others are involved, we acknowledge to the other person(s) the harm we have done.

4. We take action to make amends for the harm we have done.

5. We firmly commit to behaving differently in the future.

In practicing Personal Integrity, we raise our self-esteem. We may not be able to do it perfectly, but that is ok. If we set our intention, do the best we can and strive to improve, we increase our self respect. In the process, we might realize that some of the values we held no longer serve us or are not as important as we previously believed. I used to value independence a lot, and while I still believe that it is helpful to be able to stand on your own, I now value connectedness much more than I did before. We redefine our values over time: it’s all part of our journey of personal growth.
 

What are your most important values? What would happen if you lived 5% more in line with your values? 

Personal Integrity is the 6th Pillar from Dr. Nathaniel Branden’s book “The 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem.”

The 5th Pillar of Self-Esteem: Living Purposefully

Living purposefully means working towards and reaching goals we have set for ourselves, living productively, and effectively using our abilities and talents.

So if living purposefully is a major component of self-esteem, does it mean that people who are high achievers have a healthy sense of self-esteem? Not necessarily. All too often, people who accumulate a lot of external achievements may have gotten there because they wanted to prove their worth. Some have achieved a lot in their career, but their personal relationships are in shambles. Others may hide behind work in order to escape from other realities in their life.

I know this only too well from my own experience. In my previous career, I wanted to prove myself and my worth through my work, which gave me a tremendous amount of motivation to achieve. It seemed easier to “escape” into work and focus on it, so I wouldn’t have to worry about other aspects of my life. And while the external achievements helped build some validation and esteem, it didn’t really help me feel better about myself.

One thing I was missing was a higher purpose: what was I doing everything for? Of course I could set goals for myself: Take on more responsibility, get a promotion, buy a nice house. But these goals didn’t mean very much without a bigger purpose- and not just for my work, but for my life.  

Companies usually have a mission statement that guides the development of a vision and goals. And as part of my job in strategic planning, I applied these principles at work all the time. But I had no idea how to figure out my personal mission statement, until I left the corporate world and went to train as a coach.   

How do you figure out your purpose? The best way to identify your purpose is with the help of others. But you can start the process yourself.  Here is one way to begin: Take a sheet of paper and write “My purpose in life is to...” at the top. Then start writing as many different endings to the sentence as you can, without thinking too much. Just keep on going, filling the page. Put the paper away and revisit it later, marking the endings that resonate the most with you. This is a starting point – there will definitely be some clues to your purpose in life on that page.

The other important component of Living Purposefully is to set goals and take action. Once you know your purpose, it’s time to set specific goals that are in line with your purpose and identify action items to reach those goals.

I believe that our life purpose evolves over time, so it’s fine to start with something now and clarify or edit it later. My life purpose right now is to fall in love with myself and my life, and help others do the same. So my goals, whether it’s developing new workshops, spending time with my friends and loved ones, or writing a book, have a deeper meaning because they help me live my purpose.

How are you living your purpose today?

Living Purposefully is the 5^th Pillar from Dr. Nathaniel Branden’s book “The 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem.”

The 4th Pillar of Self-Esteem: Self-Assertiveness

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone where you tried so hard to make the other person happy that you abandoned yourself in the process? Have you ever cared too much when trying to help others, sacrificing yourself as a result?  Have you ever tried to please others, and in doing so betrayed your own needs and wants?

At different points in my life, I have abandoned myself, practiced self-sacrifice and betrayed my own needs and wants, never realizing how I was hurting myself in the process. Without knowing it, I was actively practicing the opposite of self-assertiveness, which is an important element of self-esteem.

What is self-assertiveness? Self-assertiveness means living authentically, being who you are openly every day, without worrying about pleasing others. It means honoring your wants, needs and values. Speaking and acting from your inner convictions as a way of life. Treating yourself with respect and being willing to stand up for yourself.

Some of us may have a negative view of self-assertiveness, equating it with aggressiveness or selfishness. And some of us come from a culture where it is more desirable to fit in than to stand out. How can we embrace self-assertiveness if we have been taught that it is bad or dangerous to do so?

It may help to clarify that self-assertiveness is NOT belligerence or inappropriate aggressiveness, it doesn’t mean pushing to the front of the line or being blind to other people’s needs. It’s NOT mindless rebelliousness.  Also, you don’t have to give up being part of a family, community, or group. It’s all about finding a balance between who you are and being in relationship with others.  We all have to adjust to particular situations, environments and people. But we do not want to consistently abandon who we are, and betray our true needs, wants and values on a regular basis.

When we do not express ourselves and do not stand up for our values when it is appropriate to do so, we are hurting our sense of self. The crazy part is that nobody is doing it to us – we are doing it to ourselves! (See last week’s article on self-responsibility for more.)

So how can we start practicing Self-Assertiveness instead?

We need to become conscious of what we are doing and start taking action.

You can begin by completing the following sentences, just jotting down different endings that come to your mind, without thinking about it too much.

1. If I had the courage to treat my needs and wants as important…

2. If I am willing let people hear the music inside me…

3.  If I am to express 5 percent more of myself today…

Then go ahead and take one of the actions you come up with. Speak up when you are wondering if you should say something. Share something about yourself with someone. Honor one of your wants and do something you have been meaning to do.  Each of those actions is a step toward Self-Assertiveness and a step toward a more Authentic You.

This is the 4^th Pillar from Dr. Nathaniel Branden’s book “The 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem.” For more on self-assertiveness, see: http://www.nathanielbranden.com/to-succeed-at-anything-in-life-you-must-know-how-and-when-to-be-assertive/

The 3rd Pillar of Self-Esteem: Self-Responsibility

Self-Responsibility is a very powerful concept.  It means that I am willing to take responsibility for my actions, for reaching my goals and desires, for my well-being and my life! Nobody else can do this for me. 

There are times in our lives when we feel down, think we are a victim, or life appears to be just “happening” to us. We might think: If only someone came to get me out of this. If only someone would make me happy. If only something would happen to make this go away. If only someone would really love me. If only someone could truly understand me… 

The sobering truth is, no genie will appear to grant us our wishes, no prince or princess will come and rescue us, and no fairy godmother will wave her magic wand.

But here is the good news: You are your own genie, you are the prince or princess, and you are your own fairy godmother!  You are the one you have been waiting for: That someone who can get you out of this, make you happy, love you and understand you is…yourself!   

You will probably need help and support along the way (we all do), but you have to be the one who takes action to ask for and get the help and support you need.

Of course we don’t have control over everything. This is not about holding ourselves responsible for matters beyond our control. However, we have so much more power than we are aware of!

The power of this principle became even clearer to me in the context of holding resentment and blaming others. When I was younger, I held a lot of resentment against my parents. I blamed them for many things, including my own unhappiness. However, it got me nowhere. Resentment and blaming just kept me stuck. I just kept on wishing for things to be different.

Claiming self-responsibility meant that I had to start asking myself what I could take responsibility for. This is different from blaming yourself – it’s not about finding fault. It’s just asking yourself what role you are playing in this. In my case, I could take responsibility for not speaking up, for not sharing how I truly felt. Once I realized that, I was able to take action by having more open conversations. It was a process, but I was able to realize what lessons I could learn and what good could come from this, and I was finally able to let go.

Before, I had a very convenient story: I could see myself as a victim, feel sorry for myself, and wish for things to change magically or for someone to come and rescue me. But none of this helped me move forward. It just kept me where I was.

Wishing or blaming keeps you stuck. Taking self-responsibility helps you move forward.

Here are some questions that can help you kick-start this process:

If you could give up blaming your parents, your ex, your boss, or your co-worker and take responsibility for your actions, what would you realize? What would you be able to do?

If you took responsibility for your behavior with other people, what would happen?

If you could accept that you are responsible for your own happiness, what would you go out and do?

Take a few moments to write down what answers come to you, without thinking for long and without editing. Then read what you have written. What are you aware of now?

This is the 3^rd Pillar from Dr. Nathaniel Branden’s book “The 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem.” For more on self-responsibility, see: http://www.nathanielbranden.com/discussions/self-esteem/all-about-responsibility/

The 2nd Pillar of Self-Esteem: Self-Acceptance

Do you accept yourself, just the way you are? Not just all the things that are great about you, but also the parts that you might think are not so great about you?

Self-acceptance means that we are willing to acknowledge that we think what we think, feel what we feel, desire what we desire, have done what we have done, and are what we are.

Take a moment and think about all the things you already accept and love about yourself. And then take a moment and write down some things that are harder to accept about yourself.  

Here is a key distinction: “Accepting” does not necessarily mean that you have to “like”, “enjoy” or “condone” something. It doesn’t mean that you cannot wish for a change or an improvement. It just means that you can say: “This is an expression of me, not necessarily an expression I like or admire, but still an expression of me, at least at the time it occurred.”

And by accepting that part of ourselves, it now frees us up to change, if we so choose. There are definitely some things that are harder to accept about myself. I procrastinate, I find it hard to focus on one thing, and I can be indecisive. If I am not willing to accept these traits, then I cannot do anything about them, since I am not even willing to acknowledge that they are a fact. Once I am able to accept them, I have a choice. I can embrace them or work on changing them, if I want.

What if there is an emotion, behavior, or thought that you are simply unwilling to accept? Start by accepting your resistance to accept it. And if you cannot accept your resistance, accept your resistance to accept your resistance. =)

Be compassionate with yourself through this process. We all have things we like and don’t like about ourselves. If we judge ourselves, then we are not accepting who we are.

What would happen if you were more accepting of your “supposed” flaws?

What would happen if you were more accepting of your greatness?

This is the 2^nd Pillar from Dr. Nathaniel Branden’s book “The 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem.” For more on self-acceptance when it feels impossible, see: http://www.esteemedself.com/when-self-acceptance-feels-impossible/

The First Pillar of Self-Esteem: Living Consciously

Why is Living Consciously so important? Every day, we make choices to be responsible toward reality or evading it. Even if we are not aware of those choices, they do add up and create the reputation we have with ourselves. Sometimes there are some discomforting facts we are faced with, and we make a decision to ignore them. “I know that I’m not eating healthy, but I don’t have time to think about that right now.” “I know that there are issues in my relationship, but maybe they’ll work themselves out…” “I know that I am spending too little time with my children/loved ones/friends, but one day that’ll change…” By evading these facts and ignoring them, we are in essence betraying ourselves.

Living consciously is not just about seeing and knowing reality for what it is, but it also means acting on what we see and know. Staying “unconscious” can seem very inviting – we don’t have to deal with the problem, we don’t have to face uncomfortable feelings, we don’t have to make any changes – but at what cost? Deep inside we know that we are ignoring something important, and it is our self-esteem that suffers as a result.

Looking back on my life, there certainly have been periods when I found comfort in staying “unconscious.” I didn’t want to deal with my personal life, so I decided that I would lose myself in my work. Being a workaholic may have been socially acceptable because I was “focusing on my career”, but the truth is that it is not very different from escaping into any other form of addiction. The purpose is the same: To escape anxiety and pain.

How do we practice Living Consciously, so we don’t betray ourselves, but increase our self-esteem and personal effectiveness instead?  Dr. Nathaniel Branden, the author of “The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem”, suggests daily sentence completion exercises. First thing in the morning, simply  write one of the following sentence stems and then keep on adding different endings (at least 6), as rapidly as possible, with no pauses to “think.” Don’t worry whether a particular ending is true or significant – any ending is fine, just keep on going.

Here are some stems to work with:

If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my activities today…

If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my most important relationships…

If I bring 5 percent more awareness to (fill in a particular problem you are concerned about – for example, your relationship with someone, a barrier you’ve hit a work, your feelings of anxiety, etc.)…

Do this every day for a week and on the weekend, reread what you have written during the week and write a minimum of 6 endings for the following stem:

If any of what I wrote this week is true, it would be helpful if I…

Try it out and let me know what you discover! =)

For more information on the sentence completion exercises, check out:   

http://www.nathanielbranden.com/exercises/