Create Space for the New by Letting Go of the Past

"The mental and physical space we create by letting go of things that belong in our past gives us...the option to fill the space with something new."

~Susan Faye West

Dwelling in the past undermines our happiness. Every day I hear from people who are resentful about something that happened to them or about a person who they feel did something to them. 

But what if we didn't let the past consume us? If we do the work necessary to let go, we release our burden and are rewarded with new space to enjoy the present moments more. 

It all starts with taking responsibility for our part in the situation, without any blame. Then we can draw our lesson, decide what good can come out of the experience, and commit to something new going forward.

And thereby create new space for more happiness.

Manuela empowers women to bring more happiness into their lives and thrive! You can visit Manuela's Website for Professional Life Coaching and Personal Growth Workshops.   

Any time I am in resentment I am not taking care of myself

"Any time I am in resentment, I am not taking care of myself. I am blaming someone else for something I need to do."

~Anon

It's so easy to see the faults in other people and react to what they have "done to us." But if we stay in resentment, we are now continuing to hurt ourselves. 

Let's not hurt ourselves. Let's love ourselves. By choosing love, peace, joy, serenity, kindness, compassion, generosity and faith over fear, greed, jealousy, anger, bitterness, negativity and anxiety.

By respecting ourselves, by being compassionate with ourselves, and by giving to ourselves what we need.

By learning from the past and making new choices for the future.    ♥ 


Manuela is helping smart and creative women bring more happiness into their lives! You can visit Manuela's Website for Professional Life Coaching and Personal Growth Workshops.

Let Go of the Past and Embrace the Future

Why is letting go so hard to do? After all, the past is the past, right? 

Yet oftentimes, we spend time occupying ourselves with things that happened in the past. Someone may have wronged us, disappointed us, or let us down. It might have been a friend, a co-worker, an ex or a family member. 

And we find it hard to let go of that event or situation. We may still feel hurt, betrayed, or angry, even years after the fact. And we continue to carry these negative emotions with us. 

I have talked to people who are still bitter years after their divorce. I have met professionals who are having a hard time coming to terms with having been laid off. I know adults who still resent their parents.

Some well-meaning friends may be telling us to just forgive and forget. But that’s easier said than done.

We somehow know that holding on to the past is not allowing us to move into the future, where new possibilities and opportunities await us. But how do we move past our resentment?

I believe that the key to letting go of the past is to practice self-responsibility. If we see the event in the past as something that somebody did to us, where we were the victim, we make ourselves powerless. "He or she did this to me." "There was nothing I could do." We may continue to replay what happened and just continue the cycle of our negative emotions.

If we look for parts of the event that we can take responsibility for, where we have some control, something interesting happens. We have now empowered ourselves. We can look for other ways to respond and choose to do something different in the future. We can take action.

How do we take self-responsibility? Just ask yourself this magic question:  What part of this situation can I be responsible for?

This is not about looking for who to blame. It is just looking for facts. (If you are blaming yourself for what happened, please see my article on self-compassion.)

For example, let’s say that a friend lied to you and when you finally found out you were furious and now the friendship is over. What part of the situation can you take responsibility for? Maybe you felt that something wasn’t right, but you didn’t ask further questions. Maybe part of you didn’t want to know the truth. Maybe you chose to let previous smaller lies slide. You can also take responsibility for your reactions.

Whatever piece you can find to take self-responsibility for, make a decision about what good can come out of this and what you want to commit to for the future.

What would be possible for you if you let go of the past and embraced the future? 

Manuela is helping smart and creative women let go of their past, so they can maximize their potential! You can visit Manuela's Website for Professional Life Coaching and Personal Growth Workshops.

What Is A True Friend?

“I really have a hard time being authentic with my friends,” one of my clients told me the other day. “It seems like all they are interested in is the happy and excited “me.” But I am not happy all the time. I get stressed, too, and sometimes I am sad and frustrated. I just don’t feel like I can show that part of myself.”

“There was a time when I was going through a difficult time, and I really needed support, but I noticed that my friends seemed to all pull back and after a while they did not talk to me anymore. I couldn’t figure out what was going on, so I finally asked one of them. She told me that I had become so negative, I wasn’t fun to be around anymore. I hadn’t even noticed that I had become that way. I just wish somebody had told me earlier, rather everybody just disappearing. Isn’t that what friends are for – telling you the truth?”

One of the things that I have learned on my journey of life so far is that we cannot go it alone. We need support along the way. And friends are a great source of support. However, how much support are you supposed to provide as a friend? Does being a friend mean that you patiently listen to endless complaints? Or does it mean that you suppress what you are really feeling, in order to be considerate to your friends?

We need to take responsibility on both sides. I am a strong believer in authenticity. We need to be true to ourselves in order to lead fulfilling lives. And part of that means being able to express how we feel and share what we are going through. However, it is not fair to our friends to burden them with all of our problems every time we talk to them. This is where self-responsibility comes in. 

If you know that you are dealing with some serious issues or have been unhappy for quite some time, you need to get help from a professional. You wouldn’t run to your friend every time you had an issue with your physical health, expecting them to fix it, would you? And if you are the friend on the receiving end, you can help by encouraging them to get the professional support they need, whether it’s through a therapist, a support group, a coach, or a counselor. They may not even realize that they have become so unhappy or negative, and an outside perspective can really help them. It is ok for you to take care of yourself by setting boundaries to how much emotional support you are able to provide.  A true friend will understand.

So yes, we can be ourselves and share who we are, including our “flaws” and our not-so-happy emotions. But let’s not abuse that privilege. Let’s take responsibility for getting help to be emotionally healthy, so we can come to our friendships full, ready to share our love and caring, rather than arriving empty, expecting the other person to fill us up.  

We need to take care of ourselves first, so we can be there for others.      

Manuela helps professional women reduce their stress and regain balance, so they can lead more enjoyable lives. You can visit Manuela's Website for Professional Life Coaching and Personal Growth Workshops.

How Can I Find My Soulmate?

Last evening I had an interesting discussion with my workshop participants about Soulmates. I asked everyone what came to mind when they heard the word. I got various responses. For some, it’s a person who is your perfect fit.  For others, it’s someone who you truly enjoy spending time with and who shares your values. There are also people who believe it’s a person who helps you with your personal growth.

Many of us actually have an image of a fairy tale – I know I did! I thought that one day, Prince Charming would arrive and we would just know that we were destined for one another. And we would fall in love and live happily ever after.  Even though I knew that this was a fairy tale image, somehow that expectation was still there.  But Prince Charming never arrived on his white stallion, so I thought that maybe he didn’t exist…

The truth was that I was waiting for a prince who would love me, when I didn’t really love myself. It didn’t matter that I did well in school, had a successful career or was in a caring relationship. Deep inside, I felt like I didn’t belong, people didn’t really care about me, and that I wasn’t loved. And I was looking for something or someone that would make me feel like I did belong, that people really did care about me and that I was truly loved. And I waited and waited…

It wasn’t until I started to take radical self-responsibility that things began to shift. I had been trying to get from others what I wasn’t giving to myself. But that was a futile undertaking. We cannot simply get what is missing inside us from another person. It was time to give to myself what I had been waiting for someone else to give to me all my life.

I had been waiting for myself all along.

If you are still looking for your Soulmate, start by being your own Soulmate first.  Begin with the practices of loving yourself, by accepting yourself completely, being compassionate with yourself and empowering yourself. Remove all the obstacles that are in the way of love – past resentments, false beliefs that you are holding on to, and fear – and practice forgiveness, choosing empowering beliefs and being courageous.

You are your own Soulmate. Embrace yourself first, so you can open yourself to fully loving others and allow yourself to really let in love from others. You are the one you have been waiting for.   

Manuela helps creative and intelligent women get to the next level of success in their career and personal life and create the loving, connected and passionate relationships they have been looking for. Learn about Manuela's upcoming "Fall in Love with Your Soulmate" program, starting Feb. 27th.

Start Taking Control of Your Life: Stop Blaming Others (and Yourself)

One of the key obstacles that I have noticed gets in the way of loving ourselves, others around us, and our lives, is blaming.
I hear it every day. 

Some of my clients blame themselves. Our Inner Critic can be really harsh at judging us and I work with people to be compassionate with themselves instead. (See: Self Judgment Or Self-Compassion?)

However, I hear people blaming others around them even more:
“My boyfriend isn’t generous enough (so it’s his fault that I don’t feel loved.) My friend isn’t understanding (so it’s her fault that I feel alone.) My mother criticizes me (so it’s her fault that I don’t pursue my dreams.) My boss is too demanding (so it’s his fault that I feel so stressed out.)  My co-workers are uncooperative (so it’s their fault that I am overworked.) My son is too stubborn (so it’s his fault that we don’t have peace at home.)”

Or we blame the situation that we are in:
“I don’t have enough money, so I can’t really do what I want. I don’t have any friends who want to go anywhere, so I cannot travel. I don’t have the “right” education or experience, so I cannot have the career I really want. The economy is bad, so I can’t start a business.”  

How does all the blaming help us? It relieves us of any responsibility (There is nothing I can do. It’s somebody else’s fault!) and it allows us to stay in our comfort zone, where it’s nice and safe.

The problem is that it also keeps us stuck. If we continue to blame others, we feel like a victim and think that these things just happen to us and we have no control over them. If we blame ourselves, we end up feeling bad and don’t have the confidence to step out of our comfort zone and take risks to go for what we really want.

How do we get out of this cycle?

Stop Blaming (yourself or anybody else) and ask yourself these 3 questions:

1.       “What can I be responsible for in this situation?”

Maybe you are not speaking up. Or you are not seeking out any help. Or you are not taking care of yourself. Or you have been avoiding telling yourself the truth about something.

Please remember: Taking responsibility does not mean blaming yourself. It just means acknowledging your role in this situation with self-compassion.

2.       “What have I been unwilling to accept in this situation up until now?”

3.       “What action can I now commit to in this situation?”

Giving up blaming is one of the most powerful things we can do to stop feeling like a victim and start taking control of our life. It allows us to pursue what we are passionate about, create more loving relationships, and feel happier and more fulfilled.

What will you choose today: Staying stuck or moving forward?