Let Go of the Past and Embrace the Future

Why is letting go so hard to do? After all, the past is the past, right? 

Yet oftentimes, we spend time occupying ourselves with things that happened in the past. Someone may have wronged us, disappointed us, or let us down. It might have been a friend, a co-worker, an ex or a family member. 

And we find it hard to let go of that event or situation. We may still feel hurt, betrayed, or angry, even years after the fact. And we continue to carry these negative emotions with us. 

I have talked to people who are still bitter years after their divorce. I have met professionals who are having a hard time coming to terms with having been laid off. I know adults who still resent their parents.

Some well-meaning friends may be telling us to just forgive and forget. But that’s easier said than done.

We somehow know that holding on to the past is not allowing us to move into the future, where new possibilities and opportunities await us. But how do we move past our resentment?

I believe that the key to letting go of the past is to practice self-responsibility. If we see the event in the past as something that somebody did to us, where we were the victim, we make ourselves powerless. "He or she did this to me." "There was nothing I could do." We may continue to replay what happened and just continue the cycle of our negative emotions.

If we look for parts of the event that we can take responsibility for, where we have some control, something interesting happens. We have now empowered ourselves. We can look for other ways to respond and choose to do something different in the future. We can take action.

How do we take self-responsibility? Just ask yourself this magic question:  What part of this situation can I be responsible for?

This is not about looking for who to blame. It is just looking for facts. (If you are blaming yourself for what happened, please see my article on self-compassion.)

For example, let’s say that a friend lied to you and when you finally found out you were furious and now the friendship is over. What part of the situation can you take responsibility for? Maybe you felt that something wasn’t right, but you didn’t ask further questions. Maybe part of you didn’t want to know the truth. Maybe you chose to let previous smaller lies slide. You can also take responsibility for your reactions.

Whatever piece you can find to take self-responsibility for, make a decision about what good can come out of this and what you want to commit to for the future.

What would be possible for you if you let go of the past and embraced the future? 

Manuela is helping smart and creative women let go of their past, so they can maximize their potential! You can visit Manuela's Website for Professional Life Coaching and Personal Growth Workshops.

Ch-ch-ch-Changes: Every Transition begins with an Ending

We all go through changes in our lives. Many times it’s something external that happens – a job change, getting married, moving, losing someone close to us, returning to school, welcoming a new baby or having a son or daughter move out of the home – but sometimes it’s an internal change – discovering a  new dream, reaching new insights about yourself or deepening your awareness. 

The last few months have brought a number of changes for me: moving out of my old neighborhood, adopting a puppy with my boyfriend, and moving in together to a new place. The changes are ones that I wanted and they allow for so many new possibilities – yet no matter whether the change is desired or not, it is always a time of transition that requires adjustment.

Dealing with the outer change is one thing – we can make to-do lists, check off action items, get the packing done, the interviews, applications, read relevant books, etc.  But we often don’t think about the inner adjustments that also need to take place: letting go of who we used to be, changing the definition of who we are, and becoming our new self.

Sometimes we are sad about letting go of the old, and part of us may still hold on to it. It may make us wonder whether that is a sign that the change was a bad idea. When I turned in the keys to my old place, I felt a wave of sadness. This was the last time I would be walking in and out of this home. I looked around, just trying to take in everything. The sadness took me by surprise, but in retrospect, it makes a lot of sense. This place was my home for the last few years and it was part of how I identified myself: This is where I live. It was now time to say good-bye and let go of that part of my identity.

Becoming a puppy Mommy was another big shift. It has certainly changed my day-to-day life, activities, and thoughts. With changes like these, where so many people are excited for you, it sometimes feels like there “shouldn’t” be any letting go or grieving of the past. But it is a significant change – your life is very different from before and there is a loss of some freedom and alone-time. Loving yourself means that it’s ok to be sad about that and grieve the loss of your old life. It’s all part of the process to make the transition to embracing my new life.

The same thing goes for moving in together – it’s exciting and wonderful, AND it is a big change as well. From agreeing on how to organize and decorate to the loss of personal space and time.  Mourning the loss of my old life doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy our new life. 

As much as we may want to rush past them – endings are the first part of any transition. This is the time to practice self-compassion and allow ourselves the time and space to grieve the loss of the way things were so you can let go of the old life. What events have brought change into your life in the past year? Have you allowed yourself to be sad and let go of your old life or old self before jumping into a new beginning?