Stop Asking “Am I Happy?”

Am I happy? I have often asked myself this question, hoping that it would act as a compass to guide me whether I am in a good place or need to change something. And well-meaning friends have asked me this question, too, wanting to know that I am doing well.

Yet it is sometimes a hard question to answer, because we are not happy every minute of the day. Also, how do we gauge happiness – do we set an internal standard or do we try to compare ourselves to others? And how would we know how happy others truly are?

So I was curious to read Tal Ben-Shar’s book “Happier”, in which he suggests a more helpful question to ask. The question is “How can I become happier?”

He argues that the pursuit of happiness is an ongoing process, not a destination. This finite point when we finally reach perfect happiness does not exist, but we can definitely bring more happiness into our lives.

I always tell people that loving yourself is a practice, not a one-time thing that you do. It’s like working out – you don’t just go the gym once and are set for the rest of your life. Similarly, you don’t just accept yourself and show self compassion once and are done. And in the same way, you don’t just pick a pursuit that makes you happy and are complete.

We sometimes wish for a quick fix, but the truth is that in order to reach most things that we want, we need to establish a practice. Ideally, it’s something we do regularly at a specific time, and is motivated by something that is deeply meaningful to us. 

Because I value being present and aware, my morning Tai Chi practice is very important to me. Since connection, self-expression, and feeling alive are meaningful to me, my weekly dance classes are one of my priorities. And they both contribute to my happiness. What values are important to you and how do you choose to practice them regularly in your life?


Manuela loves helping others bring more happiness into their lives!  You can visit Manuela's Website for Personal Success Coaching and check out her upcoming “Secrets to Happiness” Workshop!

Finding True Happiness (Even If Life Doesn’t Go As Planned)

“You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.”

 ~Joseph Campbell

We often think we are in control of our own destiny. We have heard that if we plan, identify  goals, visualize, pray, think positively, set intentions, work hard, etc. we will get what we really want. But sometimes when we finally get what we thought we desired, we realize that it isn’t what we wanted at all.

I have talked to many professionals who have worked hard in their job, climbing up the career ladder, only to realize that their work didn’t give them the fulfillment they wanted. Singles who thought that finding a boyfriend or girlfriend would finally make them happy, only to realize that they still weren’t. People who finally got the dream house and sports car, but were still missing something.

It’s important to identify why we want to achieve a certain goal and dream, because oftentimes it’s not the goal and dream that is the key, but what we really want to experience and feel. If you want to find out what is really behind your dream, check out my previous blog post.

But life also has a strange way of throwing things into our path that we didn’t plan or wish for. There are unexpected hardships, illnesses, the loss of a loved one, a failing business, the betrayal of a friend etc. What then? We didn’t ask for any of these things to happen. They don’t fit the dream we had for our life. What do we do with them?

A natural reaction is often to resist those unwanted situations. “I didn’t ask for this to happen.” “I can’t believe this is happening.” “I wish this didn’t happen.” Maybe we start blaming someone else. But none of these reactions actually help us deal with the situation effectively.

We may not be able to change the situation, but we can choose who we want to be in this circumstance and how we want to act. We can ask ourselves: “What are my values?” Maybe it’s honesty or compassion, integrity or connection, courage or generosity, humor or peace? What is a way to deal with the situation in accordance to your values?

There is no perfect life. Nobody’s life ever goes completely according to plan. Everyone experiences unexpected turns at some point. It’s useless to wish it were otherwise. But that doesn’t mean that life can’t be joyful, peaceful and fulfilling. All we got to do is shift our focus from what is “happening to us” to how we want to be and how we want to act as a result. The one part we can take responsibility for is ourselves, and empower ourselves in the process.